Inspiration.

Lately it feels like I’m literally seconds away from tears.

I’m not sure what it means or what exactly the root problem is, but I know that I’ve been inches away from being an emotional wreck again.

The last time this happened was when I left America. My best friend was getting married and it seemed like both of us were moving onto bigger and better things. It was really hard for me to close that chapter of my life because I knew that nothing would ever be the same; it was time for me to grow up and spread my wings and start a new life. My emotions were on a hair-trigger my last week in Colorado. Anything and everything could set me off and send me down a tunnel of tears and sobbing. Even if I was perfectly happy, I would still burst into a torrent of tears. I’m sure everyone thought I was crazy, but I didn’t care. I took comfort in the fact that I could actually feel something. The hurt and the brokenness made me feel alive. I didn’t want to stop crying once I started. I think it made me feel better knowing that I had an emotional connection with something enough to be hurt through leaving it behind in search of a new life.

::New paragraph;;

Since I arrived in Okinawa, I feel as if I’ve been drained of any and all feelings I used to have. Nothing inspires me anymore. I am not passionate about things that I used to be passionate about. It seems like all the fantastic changes I went through the last few years in Bible College have melted away into nothing in the past few months. I don’t have the same convictions. I don’t carry the same conversations. I don’t think the same thoughts. I’m not passionate about what I should be passionate about.

In my head I rationalize that this is just another transition period and once I move onto the next part of my life, I will get back on track and regain momentum. I just hope that the changes made to my character while living in Okinawa will be easy to reverse as soon as I get back on the right road. I know that going back to ‘the way things used to be’ isn’t possible and therefore I shouldn’t wish for it; but, nonetheless, taking a trip down memory lane every once-in-a-while is refreshing, and it reminds me that I used to have feelings at one time.

Inspiration. Inspiration. Inspiration. Inspire me. Inspired. Inspiring. InSpirit. In Spirit and In Truth. We worship God in Spirit and In Truth. The part of me that is missing now that used to be here is my passion for worship. I don’t know how I lost it, or how to get it back, and frankly, I’m not looking for suggestions on how to retrieve it. That is not to say that I’m not looking for it, I just want to make this journey on my own. If I end up fucked up and soiled: so be it. If I make it through and I am victorious: Praise God. All I know is that right now, I’m learning. I’m growing. I’m living. I’m dying. I’m progressing. I’m failing. I’m failing. I’m failing. I’m failing.

But someday..

The tears will come again.